Twenty Questions for the Donald

It appears that as a result of his forthright honesty and authenticity, Donald Trump stands on the threshold of the Presidency. TheĀ Donald is loved by millions because what he says is spontaneous and unfiltered, much as we might be at the neighborhood bar, especially if we have been drinking heavily.

Donald Trump Is Losing His Insane War Against Mexico

The problem with the mainstream media is that they haven’t recognized the Donald’s particular appeal or the world in which he is lionized. Since Donald doesn’t drink at my bar, I thought I might ask my drinking colleague, ardent Trump supporter Carl J. Piffenpoof, if he could prepare twenty questions which he would present to the Donald if he was sitting right next to him, man to man, with a bottle of Cutty Sark between them. His response:

1. Hey, Donald, how ya doin’, man?

2. Are you prepared to put all your holdings into a blind trust when you’re elected President?

3. When are you going to release your last five years’ income taxes? I know they’re being audited, but that doesn’t mean you can’t release them.

4. Are the Mets set at second base?

5. You’ve said that you would respond to terrorism by going after the terrorist’s relatives. As you know, the terrorists Tashfeen Malik and Syed Rizwan Farook had a baby daughter before they went on their killing spree in San Bernadino. How do you intend to kill that baby? Will you have a show trial prior to her execution, or will you just send assassins?

6. You’ve said you’ll take a hard line in negotiating future trade deals with the People’s Republic of China. As you know, the PRC holds a very large percentage of the United States’ $17 trillion debt. What would you do if the PRC responds to your trade position by refusing to finance any future U.S. debt?

7. You want another, man? I’m buying.

8. You’ve said that you’ll build a wall between Mexico and the United States, and make the Mexicans pay for it. If they don’t pay, will we invade, or just appropriate their assets?

9. Who’s building the wall? Trump Industries? Sweet!

10. Speaking of sweet, did you see what just walked in? Of course, she’s nothing like your daughter.

11.You’ve also said that you’ll deport eleven million illegal aliens. Is Mexico paying for that, too?

12. If Mexico won’t pay for the deportation, will you consider selling some of the illegals into slavery, in order to pay for the rest of the deportation?

13. That’s a foul on Kobe?! What’s the matter with them?

14. You promised to bomb the shit out of ISIS. Does that mean that you’ll bomb the shit out of Mosul and Raqqa, killing tens of thousands of Iraqis and Syrians? Sweet!

15. I’m interested in your plan to register Moslems. Who will build the internment camps you’re planning for them? Trump Industries? Sweet!

16. I wanna go back to your plan to go after the relatives of terrorists. If one of your relatives turns out to be a terrorist, will you commit suicide?

17. What’s that about my mother?

18. Ben Carson says he’s a Seventh-day Adventist. Isn’t that weird? Advent is in December.

19. Hey, watch out, you’re getting that on my pants.

20. Why don’t I call you a taxi? I think we’ve both had a little too much…What? OK. Love to all.

Photo by Greg Skidmore via Flickr, first appearing in Vice

I'm done. Your turn.