Fantasy politics

Madame Temporary Chair; distinguished Members of Congress; Governors; Mayors; other elected officials gathered here; distinguished delegates; and my fellow Americans—

You have given me the signal honor of our party’s nomination to the nation’s highest office. I accept.

M&M cupcakes. Click for Oprah's recipe
I promise M&M cupcakes for all! It’s your right as an American. Click to start baking.

America is a great nation—the greatest in human history. As I studied in my tiny dorm room at Harvard University two decades ago, I had no ambitions grander than one day managing my family’s diverse stock portfolio. From these humble beginnings, you, the American people, have sent me to heights no one could ever have foreseen. I thank you, and I acknowledge that it is the greatness of America which makes all of us great.

But although America is a great nation, it is not always a fair one. I have seen the face of those who America has left behind – pallid, tear-streaked, overburdened, care-raveled. Who has America left highlightpencilbehind? It has left the poor behind. And it has left the middle class behind. It has left you behind, Mister and Ms. American, sitting tonight watching me on your flat-screen TV, wondering whether you can afford young Johnny’s or Suzie’s tuition while building that inground swimming pool you crave and deserve. It’s you, Mr. or Ms. Young-American-on-the-Go, paying thousands in child care cost so that you can pursue your dreams of corporate or political mastery.

My administration will make America fair to your children. Studies have shown that academic success has been directly linked to teacher salary, class size, and access to laptop computers. So in the first term of my administration we will spend eight hundred billion dollars on additional aid to education. Four years from now, every American schoolchild, from kindergarten through junior college, will have a laptop, purchased by the United States. All teachers will be paid fairly – a living wage of seventy thousand a year or more. And no classroom will have more than ten students.

But if it is important that our children be educated, is it not more important that they be healthy? Of course it is. Therefore, in the first term of my administration, we will spend nine hundred billion dollars toward the elimination of all pediatric diseases. In four years, when I stand before you again and ask how I’ve done, pediatric illnesses will be a thing of the past. I guarantee it.

And if our children are healthy, shouldn’t we be healthy too? I pledge another nine hundred billion additional dollars to our health care system in order to root out the most intractable diseases – cancer, AIDs, heart disease and Alzheimer’s. I know we can’t live forever, but we can live a lot longer, and healthier.

Studies have shown that one of the most important components of good health is self-esteem. As you look at my lovely wife Matilda here on the dais with me – and my four beautiful children, Marty, Maury, Mulberry and Mwahaha – I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “they look good, man.” And you’re right. We are beautiful. And our amazing good looks have given us something special – a confidence, a sense of ourselves which buoys us up even in the worst of times.

How did we get that way? No secret: plastic surgery. A good plastic surgeon can turn even a short jowly pudgy balding guy like myself into a Brad Pitt look-alike. And candidate for president.

Self-confidence and good looks should no longer be the sole provenance of the rich. Under my administration, plastic surgery will be available to all Americans, as a right. Self-esteem, my friends, is an American birthright, and I will midwife that entitlement into being.

A long life, education, good looks, freedom from disease – what else do we need? Well, many of us, through no fault of our own, have lost our jobs. There are those among us who would make such unfortunate people work miserable, minimum-wage jobs in order to eat. Well, not this administration. We will invest two hundred billion in jobless benefits to make certain that the out-of-work may continue to maintain their standard of living until retirement, if necessary.

Speaking of which – it’s time we showed our seniors some respect. Medicare co-pays must be cut off at ten percent of income. And Social Security should be increased by 20% past the rate of inflation.

The next four years may require multiple military interventions across the globe. And if we put our men and women in uniform in harm’s way, we’re going to have to give them cutting-edge protection. So I propose to increase the Department of Defense’s budget by thirty percent.

I will invest our nation’s treasure heavily in the arts. What’s the point of being healthy, prosperous, educated and good-looking if we’re a nation of cretins?  And I will strongly promote the collection of collectables, such as Hummel® figurines.

In my America, every American will have a home. And every home with have a garage. And every garage will have a car. And every kitchen will have a pot. And every pot will have a chicken. And for desert, cupcakes for everyone! And every cupcake will have M&Ms on top!

Now I know there are beancounters out there who are asking how we’re going to pay for all this. Well, studies have shown that the annual Federal budget contains two trillion dollars in waste, fraud, and corruption. I will root it out. All of it. Now, I know that there are those out there who defend waste, fraud and corruption – who say, “we need a little corruption to make the wheels of government turn.” To them I say – I hear you, but your time is over.

Finally, I recognize that we are going to have to increase taxes – on the richest .0000001 percent of our populations. Specifically, on Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mark Zukerberg, Alex Rodriguez and Oprah Winfrey.

What? – Oh, no. Not Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey will get a tax cut – as will every other American except those four guys.

And the best part about this is that I believe we can accomplish all of these objectives in the first hundred days of my administration. Yes, by the end of May of next year we should be enjoying the fruits of our revolution – assuming (as I think we should) that we will have the approval of the National Financial Control Board and of our largest creditor, the People’s Republic of China.

I'm done. Your turn.